6 weeks!

Well, I just sat down, got halfway through my breakfast, and logged on to post a new blog. Immediately I hear Hayes's "I'm hungry" sounds over the monitor. A mother's work is never done. Be right back!

Five hours later and I am almost done with my to do list (this being one of the items on it) but have not showered yet and am expecting Hayes to wake up any minute to eat. I better make this quick!

Our little bundle is now 6 weeks old!! Can you believe it?! I certainly can't. It feels like we just got home with him yesterday! I have to say that the experience of going from one child to two has been light years easier than going from no children to one. There were a few things that really concerned me while I was pregnant with Hayes. The first was that I honestly wasn't sure if I could love him as much as I loved Maddie. When Ben and I first got married we sat down and decided that, for us, it would be best and most desireable to start having kids right away. Seven agonizing months later we were finally cooking little Maddie in my oven. I wanted her so badly I would've given my right arm to have her. And that's saying something because I'm right handed! When I found out I was pregnant I instantly loved her with all my heart. I had no idea who she was, what she looked like, or that she was even a girl. I was constantly sick and exhausted but I loved her more than anything! When she finally arrived that love only increased with each second that I gazed at her. I had never loved anything so much!!! What I felt for my new baby was absolutely unequivocal and completely unconditional. Fast forward to five years later and things in life had definitely shifted. Ben and I had absolutely no luck getting pregnant for YEARS! We both had come to the conclusion that perhaps it just wasn't possible for us. We talked a lot about adopting and planned to do so in the future but in the mean time I had educational goals, a job, and a very self sufficient child just two years away from kindergarten. We certainly weren't trying to get pregnant at that point because we had simply given up. This pregnancy was less than planned and therefore more than a surprise! It was a total shock. Our plans for the future, certainly my plans for the future, were completely derailed and although I was absolutely thrilled, ecstatic, beyond the moon excited that I was pregnant I was also a little put off at first. A baby?!? A baby?!? I hadn't changed a diaper in years and I hadn't been woken up in the middle night in even more years. Of course, this pregnancy was not a bad thing in any way but it was certainly a bump in our perfectly paved road. So, here was my concern: after falling completely head over heels in love at first sight with Maddie and at first feeling a little put off by being pregnant I was really worried that I wouldn't love this child as much as I did my first. It really scared me actually. Because Ben and I had decided on adoption in the future and because my life was on a different path at the time I probably wouldn't have given my right arm to be pregnant so I didn't adore this baby from the second I saw those two pink lines. As time went on and I was more and more umcomfortable I just wanted this thing out of me BUT how would I feel when it was? My other concern stemmed from my experience with Maddie as well. My pregnancy with her was fairly uneventful. Typical nauseau, heartburn, achiness, exhaustion (oh the joys!). My emotions and hormones were extremely normal...normal for a non-pregnant woman. I never got cranky (well, unless I was hungry) or snappy or angry....until she was born. And then I was a royal mess! I was so depressed all the time and for no reason at all! I had a beautiful baby that I completely adored. A great, hard working husband. Life was good but I couldn't stop crying. There were two instances that stick out in my memory of that time. One came just a couple weeks after Maddie was born. We wanted to move some furniture from the basement of the house we were living in to the living room upstairs. Ben called a good friend of ours over to help him and when he came to our house that evening I sat on the couch crying. I have no idea why I was crying but crying I was. And I had no shame about it. How uncomfortable for him to walk in and see me sitting there crying. Ben was not in the room so he nervously asked where he was. Through my tears I pointed to the door that led downstairs. He awkwardly asked if I was ok to which I nodded my head yes and he left. Probably very gladly! What a mess! I should have at least gone in the other room! But my hormones and emotions were so out of whack that I didn't even have the sense to do that. The other instance came many times in the first weeks of Maddie's life. Because Ben worked all day and I was able to stay at home with Maddie and therefore nap whenever I wanted I took on all the responsibility of getting up with Maddie in the middle of the night. Because of this I absolutely dreaded the night! There was one evening in particular that sticks out to me. I was standing in the kitchen washing the dishes. It had been a very good day. I was feeling well, happy, energetic. I turned around to walk out of the room and caught a gilmpse out of a west facing window. I could see the sun sinking closer to the horizon and the sky was lit up with orange and pink. Dusk. Oh no. I lost it. I broke down crying right then because I honestly didn't think I could live through another night. Needless to say, the transition to being a first time mother was a very difficult one for me! I was so concerned that that experience would be repeated with this baby.

Now, 6 (almost 7) weeks after Hayes's birth I am very happy to report that neither of those concerns have proved valid. I love Hayes with all my heart. He is the sweetest, cutest little boy I have ever seen. I still cannot stop kissing him! Everytime I hold him he gets mauled because I just want to squeeze him and love on him constantly! I feel every bit of emotion for him that I did for Maddie. And even better, he is so much easier than Maddie was (I thought, at the time, that Maddie was a great baby but Hayes is a GREAT baby!) so I don't have any of the frustrations with sleeping and such that I did with her. Or maybe it's just that with her I had no idea what I was doing. I had never taken care of an infant before. With him I am stress free, relaxed, calm, and completely in love. What a great combination of emotions! I remember when Maddie turned 6 weeks old and I was driving somewhere with Ben's mom. I related to her that I didn't know how mothers go back to work after 6 weeks. Things were just starting to get fun with Maddie. I was just starting to really enjoy her. With Hayes I have enjoyed him since day 1. Maybe it's because his stay in the hospital was so taxing that I just wanted him home! I was willing to do the middle of the night feedings and the endless diaper changes and the crying just to be held becuase I just wanted my baby. Whatever the reason, it is heavenly to have him here healthy and happy. I love this little boy!

We are definitely getting to see a bit of Hayes's personality as he gets older. And he certainly has some strong opinions for such a little guy! Just about every morning around 7:30 he gets a bit fussy in his bed so I usually bring him to bed with me for some cuddling time. I lay with my arm under his head and our bodies facing eachother so that I am on my right side and he is on his left side. For three mornings in a row he would fuss and kick and squirm after I laid down with him. Finally I figured out that if I would roll us both over so that I was laying on my left side and he was on his right he would immedietly calm down and go back to sleep. Who knew a month old baby could be so picky and which side they sleep on! Two of those mornings he woke up about an hour into our cuddling time and again started fussing and squirming. I found that if I unswaddled his arms he would instantly relax and go right back to sleep. What a silly little baby! One day last week Hayes woke up and decided that that would be the day he would start smiling (he had given us little grins here and there before but I mean real, intentual smiling) and cooing. He has been doing both ever since. Mostly he smiles at Maddie. I love the look he gets on his face when he hears her first thing in the morning. The other day I gave them a bath together and it was so fun to see his reaction! I put him in first and when he realized that she was getting in also his whole face lit up and he just stared at her the entire time. I can't wait to see what the dynamics of their relationship will be. I have two younger brothers. One who is 6 years and another who is 7 years younger than me. Growing up they were absolutely my best friends. There is no good memory of my childhood that doesn't involve them. And as adults we are all still very close. I pray that Maddie and Hayes will have this same relationship as they grow.

Maddie has transitioned so well into the role of older sister. She loves to talk to, kiss on, and spend time with her little buddy but not to the point that I have to tell her to leave him alone. She is ecstatic to have him here and is very understanding of his demands on my time. My favorite part of the day is first thing in the morning when the three of us snuggle in bed together talking and laughing. I wish my babies could stay babies FOREVER!

In other news, Ben's mom Phyllis is making her way out here in two weeks and we are so excited to have her coming! The day she leaves Ben's dad and step mom will be arriving so we will have house guests for two weeks straight. We are so excited for them to meet our new addition, spend time with Maddie, and maybe let Ben and I sneak away for a little date night! =)

Here are a few pictures of our time with little Hayes the past couple weeks. I lost my camera (booooo!) so these are from my cell phone.

Sleepy baby!


I <3 morning grins.


Crazy hair!




He can already do the one eyebrow raise.




Bath time!


Staring at Maddie.




Drifting off to sleep.


Talking


Happy Halloween!